Doctor and Nurse Jokes

Here is a great collection of Doctor and Nurse Jokes, enjoy !
A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, “How is she?” The nurse replied, “Oh, she’s quite dopey.” One of the friends said, “We know that, but how is she healthwise?”

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back. “Step aside, lady,” he barked. “I’ve taken a course in first aid.” The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder. “Pardon me,” she said. “But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.”
The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?Doctor: Yes, that is true.P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?D: Yes, that is also true.P: So, in average, I live normally.
Jack: “My brother was sick and went to the doctor.”John: “Is he feeling better now?”Jack: “No, he has a broken arm.”John: “How did he break it?”Jack: “Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window.”John: “How did he break his arm?”Jack: “He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription.”
“Doctor, doctor!” said the panic-stricken woman, “my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he’s swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?””Quite simple,” said the doctor calmly. “You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband’s mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite haul it out.””Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I’ll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod’s head.””What do you want a cod’s head for?””Oh- I forgot to tell you. I’ve got to get the cat out first!”
A coffin was being moved when it fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the morticians started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, “Doc, quick, give me something to stop this coffin.”
The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry an eighteen year old girl. “Now, Mr. Jenkins,” the nurse practitioner warned, “you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt.” The old man shrugged, “If she dies, she dies.”
Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.
How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility? She’s the one with dirty knees.
How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?None - They just have a nursing assistant do it.
Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn’t much left.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m GodWhen did this start ?Well first I created the sun, then the earth
Doctor, Doctor you’ve taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don’t feel well.That’s quite enough out of you !
Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ?
I never make rash promises !
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !
Doctor, Doctor I’m a burglar !
Have you taken anything for it ?
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don’t worry, it’s just a bug that’s going around !doc
Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in What about a matchbox !
Doctor Doctor I think I’m a moth.
So why did you come around then ?
Well, I saw this light at the window…!
Doctor, Doctor I’m on a diet and it’s making me irritable.
Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear, that’s a lot of calories !
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a nit.
Will you get out of my hair !
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I’m a caterpillar.
Don’t worry you’ll soon change !
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a snake about to shed it’s skin.
Why don’t you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then !

Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.
What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?A dry doc.
Doctor: “Good news you passed your hearing test!”
Patient: “HUH”
What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?Saturday Night Fever.
Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street?They were arch enemies
What’s the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.
The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.””That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “May I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”
Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue?Why?Because I’ve been at my computer all day and I’ve got a splitting headache!
Doctor, Doctor, my little brother thinks he’s a computer.Well bring him in so I can cure him.I can’t, I need to use him to finish my homework.
A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. “This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well.”
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.”Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.”Oh, no,” replies the nurse, “I gave him eight tablets every two hours!”At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.”Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?””Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,” replies the nurse.Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. “Nurse,” asks the doctor, “did you prick his boil?””OH MY GOODNESS!” replies the nurse.

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient’s best side.
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!
How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just have a nursing assistant do it. As much as the doctor orders.
How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What is a double-blind study?
Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.She confirms and asks how he knew. “Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”
How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
“Why are you so excited?”, the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.”But doc, this is my first operation.””Really? It’s mine too, and I am not excited at all.”
“What do you do?” a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. “I’m a nurse.” “I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me,” he whispered in her ear. “That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward.”
Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis.
Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?
There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left? Nine!
Nurse: Would you like an appointment for next week?
Patient: No, I’m sick now.
Jack went to see the camp nurse. ‘I fell last night,’ he said. ‘And I was unconscious for eight hours.’
The nurse was shocked. ‘How awful. What happened?’
’I fell asleep!’
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?
Doctor: Sell!

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